In order to simplify, comparison has to go

Comparison. This word used to be my friend in 11th grade English. Now it just gives me the willies. And understandably so- while comparison can be a useful tool in dissecting literary classics, it can lead us to want to break pretty much every one of the ten commandments when applied to our neighbor’s (friend’s/boss’/cousin’s/sibling’s) life. One of my favorites is intellectual comparison. Not in the “I’m smarter than you” sense, but in the “I’ve actualized my intellectual potential by going to grad school, and getting an awesome position in my chosen field. Now I’m climbing the career ladder and getting a sweet paycheck, all while using my growing skills to make the world a better place.” Meanwhile, I’m sitting at home watching my brilliant, funny, amazing almost-2-year-old create huge messes for me to clean up after. Most days I don’t think about it, but then I’ll pull up an old friend’s facebook profile or something and *wham*. “What are you doing with your life?” the voices suddenly ask. “Look at all that wasted potential, you could be doing something really important, and where are you? When you get to the end of all this, you’re going to be sorry you wasted so much time… let so many opportunities slip by… didn’t MAKE IT HAPPEN FOR YOURSELF!” Okay, take a deep breath. I chose this, I have to remind myself. I’m doing this because it’s something I believe in, that these few years of sacrificing pretty much everything else are worth the immense value of the impact they will have on my son’s entire life. That he will know deeply and fully that he is loved and worthy. That he will have the profound benefit of believing that he is worth someone’s time and undivided attention. And I can thank God that I have the choice to do this because he’s provided my husband with a job that pays enough for us to get by. But there’s something more. I’ve learned through experience and intuition (aka the HS) that I’m not cut out to do everything at once. Maybe some people can (or maybe they’re just pretending), but when I try to do it all, I start to fall apart. My heart can’t stretch that many ways at once, and it starts getting pulled away from the things I need to be connected to in order to survive and be me. Yes, God, I want to live in the grace you’ve given me for my life. I don’t need to envy or condemn my neighbor for doing less or more- how can I know what grace you’ve given them? Let me celebrate the way you are calling me to live, and be open to new steps and challenges, but not condemn myself for going at the pace of peace for me.